Don’t be The Queen Of Tears, Never Say Die
Grab your popcorn and a box of tissues because the 'Queen of Tears' will immerse you into waves of emotion deeper than you might anticipate. It reminds me of settling in to watch 'Lone Survivor'. I need to be better at interpreting the subtle clues that titles often provide. I mistakenly thought ‘Queen of Tears’ was going to be another light-hearted romantic K-drama, I should have known better. The weeks I spent engrossed in the lives of Hyeon-woo and Hae-in, as they painstakingly pieced together their shattered world, had me, quite fittingly, christening myself the 'Queen of Tears'.
Although this couple seems to have it all, their wealth and success cannot save their marriage. Hyeon-woo and Hae-in's marriage is a love story that's tragically lost its heart and soul. Their mutual indifference builds walls of stone and their icy stares are so intense they border on superhuman. As every day brings them closer to divorce, their matrimonial union transforms into a captivating yet heart-wrenching spectacle.
“Even those who look carefree carry heavy stones.” Hyeon-woo, Queen of Tears
Hae-in grapples with the burdens of life, her emotional detachment echoes the depth of her struggles. Her extremely successful yet narcissistic family is a persistent weight she must bear. Marriage brought a few years of joy, however, the relentless demands of work, the constant expectations from her family, and the failed pregnancy proved too overwhelming. Drained of her will to fight for the relationship, she resigns herself to the isolated routine of leading a separate life from Hyeon-woo. She passionately devotes her entire focus to her professional pursuits.
The initial episodes strike an unexpected balance between humor and shock. When observing Hyeon-woo's ill-fated relationship, you may experience a pang of sympathy at first. Despite his struggles, there's a limit to the empathy you can spare him. The way Hyeon-woo reacts to adversity lends a rather pitiful layer to his character. However, one cannot overlook the compelling performance by Kim Soo-hyun, who provides a comical lens into Hyeon-woo's pain. There is an unforgettable scene early in the series, where Hyeon-woo drowns his sorrows in alcohol and succumbs to a child-like crying fit, aptly encapsulating his immaturity and despair.
At this point, Hyeon-woo momentarily transitions into the antagonist role, driven to the edge by the perceived injustices of his life, and so emotionally distraught that he resorts to seeking a hitman. This poses a question: how can love, once profound and pure, morph into a hatred so deep that it incites a desire to kill? What lies at the heart of this deteriorating marriage? Is it weakness, struggle, selfishness, or immaturity? Maybe it is a little bit of everything, but regardless of the reason, Hyeon-woo and Hae-In are not handling the hardship well.
The purpose of pain and adversity.
Did you know that the bible states that suffering has a purpose?
According to Romans 5:3, we should "glory in our sufferings, understanding that
suffering fosters perseverance, character, and eventually hope."
Does this insinuate that we worship a masochistic God, who revels in our anguish? Absolutely not. Our trials often can be the aftermath of our own misguided choices or the unfortunate decisions made by those around us. Regardless of the cause of our suffering, God, in his gracious character, turns our trials into a testimony, deriving good from every situation we encounter. He assigns our pain a noble purpose.
Suffering develops perseverance - is analogous to a toddler's dramatic outburst over a dropped ice cream. In their limited understanding of the world, it feels as though everything has catastrophically collapsed. Yet, as time goes forward, they learn to rationalize that losing an ice cream, while upsetting, is not a cataclysmic disaster deserving of a tantrum. Likewise, consider a teenager experiencing their first heartbreak; it feels like their world has shattered. Their heart aches and life appears void of hope. But over time, they understand that life goes on. As adults, we sympathize with these sensitive young souls, recognizing their emotional immaturity. Our responsibility is to offer comfort, leading them to understand that these poignant moments, though tough, are transient. We too, even as adults, can stumble when faced with life's challenges. We might question our faith, throw tantrums, and surrender to despair, mirroring Hyeon-woo's behavior. But perseverance develops character.
Hyeon-woo’s world is about to get even more difficult as he faces an even greater obstacle, Hae-In’s diagnosis. Tough times define our character. Does Hyeon-woo redeem his story? How do we persevere and rally the strength to “never say die”?
The Faith to Get Back into the Fight
Amidst the horrid conditions of a Nazi concentration camp, 52-year-old Corrie Ten Boom found herself subjected to a wretched existence. As shared in her book “The Hiding Place”, she was confined within a lice-ridden barrack, a dreaded space initially designed to house 400 inmates, now crammed with over 1,000 distraught souls. Beds were stacked three layers high, each saturated in filth and stench.
She was caught in the grueling grip of desperation, her spirit dwindling with every passing moment. Torn away from all of her beloved family except her sister, and constantly battling relentless physical and mental torment, death seemed inevitable. The overcrowded room reeked of despair; women desperate for sleep, their hearts heavy with anger, bitterness, and a palpable sense of impending doom.
Remember Your Purpose
One evening, enshrouded in a thick darkness, a beacon of hope emerged. Betsy, Corrie’s sister, retrieved their cherished little bible, miraculously spared from German searches, their source of hope. She read a verse aloud and then cried out to God for all to hear. This simple act ignited a spark, a spark that transformed their barracks. A miracle occurred.
Corrie Ten Boom recounts a shift in the atmosphere after that prayer. Amidst the sorrow, a sudden change swept over the women. From that moment on they began to uplift each other, offering words of comfort regardless of their pain. Hunger was met with empathy and hopelessness with shared laughter. The women went from complaining and whimpering, to worshiping God and praying. It was here that Corrie found a renewed sense of her purpose.
Corrie's resolve to act as a servant of grace, was her guiding light in those desperate times. Corrie was not a Jew. She ended up in a concentration camp due to her god-fearing family’s noble decision to provide shelter to Jews in their Dutch home, risking their own lives to provide a hiding place for their friends and neighbors. Continuing on in this courageous spirit of sacrifice, Corrie and her sister extended compassion even within the confines of a German prison.
After surviving the harrowing years in prison, she dedicated the ensuing chapters of her life to assist those scarred by the atrocities of World War II in their journey towards forgiveness and healing. She ministered to the Jews and Germans. Harnessing the transformative power of God's love, Corrie facilitated healing among the victims on both sides of the war, helping them navigate their trauma. She often found that when people rose above their own hurts and pains, and focused on others, healing was near.
“There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” Corrie Ten Boom
Hyeon-woo unexpectedly finds himself in a deep pit. After finding out his wife is terminally ill, he faces his darkest moment. It brings out an ugly part of him, a harsh side to his personality that is hard to watch. But slowly, this adversity brings a compelling transformation. His hardships ultimately soften his heart. His pain and distress served as a catalyst, eliciting a significant shift in his character.
Unleash the Hero Within
Just as Corrie Ten Boom demonstrated, we all possess the strength of a hero within us. Our hidden abilities and strengths can surface in response to life's challenges.
Elite soldiers are an extraordinary example of resilience and determination in the face of adversity. The United Kingdom’s world-renowned Special Force Team, the SAS, has one of the most, if not the most, grueling qualification process. The officers are the epitome of elite, undergoing three rigorous phases of selection. A meager 10% successfully qualify. What are the exceptional qualities that SAS soldiers embody that make them so succesful? Physical fitness is only one of them. The true secrets to their success are:
Unyielding determination,
Atypical Self-motivation,
The capability to perform under relentless pressure, and
The embodiment of a ‘never-say-die’ attitude.
The SAS soldier is more than just a warrior. They are a symbolsof human resilience, pushing the boundaries of what's possible. Interestingly, a common thread runs through the books authored by these elite soldiers. They teach us that resilience is not an innate trait, but rather, it is a characteristic crafted and cultivated over time.
Soo-cheol, the brother of our dear Hae-in, stands in stark contrast to an SAS soldier. His affluence and cushy lifestyle, cultivated by his coddling mother, have stripped him of manhood and left him with little character. He can’t ride a bike and has no idea how to defend himself or his family. However, when he loses everything, he is pushed head-first into adversity. This struggle serves as an overdue wake-up call. Little by little both Hyeon-woo and Soo-cheol take steps in maturity. They learn, each in their own way, that resilience is not a birthright but a mindset. They begin to learn to lean into the struggle rather than run from it.
Fortitude
Dan Crenshaw, a US Special Forces SEAL member, faced a life-altering moment when an IED detonated nearby during his mission in Afghanistan. He survived the explosion but his journey was far from over. In the confines of a hospital, he was forced into stillness for weeks on end, with the hope that his remaining eye might heal. The eye was miraculously saved and Dan went on to become a US Representative and best-selling author. Dan Crenshaw's mindset is a testament to his SEAL training. He advocates that life's success hinges on a theme woven throughout his book, 'Fortitude'. He penned this ethos:
“I will not quit in the face of danger or pain or self-doubt: I will not justify the easier path
before me. I decide that all my actions, not just some, matter. Every small task is a
contribution toward a higher purpose. Every day is undertaken with a sense of duty to
be better than I was yesterday, even in the smallest of ways. I seek out hardship. I do
not run from pain but embrace it, because I derive strength from my suffering. I confront
the inevitable trials of life with a smile. I plan to keep my head, to be still, when chaos
overwhelms me. I will tell the story of my failures and hardships as a victor not a victim.
I will be grateful. Millions who have gone before me have suffered too much, fought too
hard, and been blessed with far too little, for me to squander this life. So I won’t. My
purpose will be to uphold and protect the spirit of our great republic, knowing that the
values we hold dear can be preserved only by a strong people. I will do my part. I will
live with fortitude. “ (Crenshaw, p. 243)
Fortitude is defined as, “strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage”. At first, the characters in Queen of Tears do not display any inkling of fortitude. They are terrible at dealing with pain and want to pay someone to make their problems go away. But eventually, we witness the transformation of Hyeon-woo, who was trapped in a shell of selfishness. He was brought back to reality when he was forced with the prospect of losing everything he held dear. While painful, his struggles fostered growth, teaching him the value of perseverance and resilience.
With his newfound "Never Say Die" attitude, Hyeon-woo transitions from the sidelines back to the heart of the story. He throws himself into the fray, spearheading the rest of the series in a heartfelt pursuit of his wife. His journey is marked by acts of selflessness and kindness. With a renewed sense of purpose, Hyeon-woo evolves from a self-pitied man into a resilient husband, shedding tears not out of vanity but of profound love for his wife. It is endearing to watch his metamorphosis.
Life may not always be a bed of roses, but we can seek inspiration from individuals like Corrie Ten Boom and Dan Crenshaw, who have not only braved life’s toughest challenges but endured them well. We can endure well too, if we:
Seek God for strength,
Remember our purpose,
Develop resilience and fortitude by leaning into adversity, and
Embody the "Never Say Die" spirit.
Rooted in unwavering faith, just like Corrie and Dan, we too have the potential to be a hero to our family and perhaps even to the world.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that
you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God,
who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
James 1:2-4
References:
Crenshaw, D. (2020). Fortitude: American resilience in the era of outrage . New York, NY,
Twelve Books.
Ten Boom, C., Sherrill, E., & Sherrill, J. L. (2006). The hiding place. Grand Rapids, MI,
Chosen Books.
